Let’s face it, sometimes when you first click with someone, it’s pants ahoy. You don’t talk a lot because both of your mouths are always full.

Yet after a few weeks, sometimes a few months, eventually you’ll stop “connecting” in a purely physical sense and then comes a moment where you find yourselves actually wanting to talk with each other.

In my experience it’s during this critical point in a relationship arc where it’s pointed out to you that there’s some aspects to your personality that actually aren’t serving what the two of you are trying to build together.

It starts in a playful way at first, however, it isn’t long before the tone turns. Perhaps you get told you’re a bit selfish, or you’re a ’topper’ (you’ve always got a better story than someone else), or even that you are low on eye contact with their friends.

Whatever it is, something about you is making the bits of their body that need to get involved to make the naked fun times happen, very much want to not get involved. 

Too often though, instead of seeing these conversations as legitimate chances to improve the way we move through life, the prospect of accepting that we might not actually be perfect is too much for us. Doing work on ourselves to become a better man and to reconnect with this person is all too much for us, so we put it down to our partner having a problem and break it off.

Then as we walk home in the blazing light of day still in the crumpled clothes we wore last night, we crack out the phone and start chasing the thrill of those first few weeks all over again.

We like to think we’re on the hunt for “the one” but I’m here to tell you, there’s no such thing as “the one”. There’s only the one who’s willing to work on it with you.

If your current relationship situation resembles less of a short list and more of a multicoloured, overlapping Venn diagram, it might be time to consider that you’re the reason you haven’t found the right partner yet.

It’s counterintuitive because when it comes to other things in life, like money and muscle mass, more is more, right?

While we keep going from one short and shallow relationship to the next, we might start to believe that we’re winning the game, but the fact we don’t want to face, is that we’re only playing the first level, over and over again.

We know the game so well; we even do speed runs to see how quickly we can get the loot.

With the group chat cheering our success rate, it might feel like we’re elite players, but the truth is very different. As soon as we hear that music signals, we’re nearing the boss level, we ‘int and respawn’ (for non-gamers that’s deliberately die) right back to the select screen.

This behaviour can cause long-lasting issues, not just in us, but in the partners we drag through this immature charade. I’ve started to meet more and more men who are in their late 20s yet have never once introduced a partner to their parents. They all walk with the same swagger, believing that they are achieving peak manhood because their stats are off the charts.

What they don’t understand is that soon enough, a day will come when they are now the old guy in the club. Standing there alone with the dreaded old face/young hair combo, a clear signal of a life spent avoiding growing up.

To do that, we have to be willing to face the parts of ourselves that are getting in the way of finding the kind of happiness and progress that can only be unlocked when we’re in a committed relationship.

Yet if facing that feels like a battle you’re not willing to fight, ancient military history offers a vital tactic.

In 207 BCE a Chinese general by the name of Xiang Yu was leading his soldiers against the mighty army of the Qin dynasty in what became known as the Battle of Julu. To strengthen the resolve of his men, the warlord famously ordered his soldiers to “smash the pots and sink the boats”. 

By eliminating any possibility of retreat, his men had no option but to fight with immense courage and tenacity, because victory was their only option if they were to survive. The plan worked, and they emerged victorious.

If you’ve met someone you are really into, and there are still dormant numbers in your phone waiting to be awakened like a Manchurian Candidate when they hear the trigger phrase “…what are we?” spoken by  your current partner; if your fling from last summer is still sliding by your feed looking way more fun than the partner who’s annoyed that you forgot to take the bins out, then you’re choosing retreat rather than victory every time.

And it’s not just you who will suffer defeat. Your partner volunteered to join you on this long-term mission, so if you’re turning tail and heading back to boot camp the moment things get difficult, you’re not only disrespecting yourself, you’re disrespecting them, too.

Removing options works to help you focus in other ways, too. It’s been 14 years since I last had a drink, and while I’m not about to risk the life I’ve built since getting clean, when I check into a hotel room, I still get them to take all the alcohol out of there. Not that I’ll touch it, however, if it’s in the room, it takes up valuable processing power that I’d rather use to work more effectively or connect with my family.

If you’ve still got mental tabs open with people from your past occasionally popping in your DMs to do a welfare check (“I’m back in Bali, remember our weekend in Ubud?”) then your head is not in the game, and you’re selling yourself and your partner short.

It’s not a ritual circumcision or wearing a glove filled with bullet ants, but it is an important rite of passage if you want to see what kind of man you can become.

Don’t think I’m above wanting to resist this myself, far from it. When I did this, it was in response to a clear message along the lines of “I get you might need a little longer to commit to this, however, if keeping that level of communication open with others is important to you, I’ll be on my way”.

Comparing what I was about to lose with what I was trying to hold on to made it a simple choice, and one that brought way more relief and a far more secure relationship than I could have imagined. 

Here’s what worked for me. Make some time in your calendar, and one by one, go through your phone and your feed deleting and defriending people from your past.

You’ll notice your brain will do a thing called “hedonic recall”, which is where we only remember the good parts of a situation (we remember the lovely holiday, yet we forget about the lost luggage).

As those memories arrive, allow them to happen and say “thank you” like you’re Marie Kondo.

Then deliberately remember why it is that this person isn’t the one you just committed to. It could be you weren’t ready and they protected themselves by moving on, or it could be there was something about their age, their unhealthy habits, or how they seemed to know an awful lot about the internal hierarchies of outlaw motorcycle gangs, that meant they were an inappropriate choice of partner for you. 

The first time I did this it was before smart phones, so as I laboriously thumbed my way through the Nokia menu, I had plenty of button clicking time to remember with a smile why “Emma Blue Dress Rooftop Party” was in my phone, and then deliberately remind myself why that never grew into anything else.

Once you’re done, you might be surprised at the freedom it brings.

There is something so powerful about deliberately ignoring texts or calls from numbers you don’t recognise, even pictures or videos that previously would have been a like setting off a homing signal in your brain. Removing the power those things previously had to make choices for us means we can reclaim that power and focus it toward a relationship that brings us something far more valuable.

Smash the pots. Burn the boats. Fearlessly wade into battle with your man-child and emerge on the other side to taste the spoils of victory.