MEN’S HEALTH: Why do you think that relationship breakdown is so detrimental to men’s mental health?

DR ZAC SEIDLER: We’re about to invest pretty heavily in way more research on this because it’s only come to the fore in the past couple of years that it’s consistently becoming a risk factor. And we’re like, “What is going on here?” I have, from my own clinical experience and now research, enough hypotheses to throw out here, which is that, as you said, there is definitely something around emotion regulation. That’s when you have all of these horrible thoughts and feelings washing over you. Guys aren’t taught how to metabolise that. What does that feel like and how can I actually move on?

We’ve just been doing some research looking at what young men look at online, especially in the wake of a relationship breakdown, and they’re all typing into Google, “How do I get her out of my head?” It’s just these basic skills around how to move on with your life, how to deal with rejection. I was never taught that. I don’t know if you were?

MH: No.

ZS: And that was the most painful part of my teenage years and my early 20s. It was like, “Damn, what is going on here? My heart is ripped apart”. And I was very lucky, and this is the key thing: I was very lucky to have five close mates who I could talk to really openly and honestly about this, and they could see me hurting and they wanted to talk about it.

The majority of guys do not have that, especially when they go through divorce. When you go through separation, if you’ve had kids and you’re in your 30s, 40s, and 50s, women are making all of the social arrangements in couples. I’m like, “I’m not letting this happen”. I will not let my wife make arrangements because I’m just like, “I’m doing this. I’m not letting this be taken away from me”. Because you know that when you end up in this situation, that guy, and this is not malicious by the woman by any means, we’re socialised completely differently. The guy ends up with nobody, and it doesn’t matter how the separation happened, whether it’s amicable or otherwise, he has not invested. He has not invested in those foundations.

We often talk about how you get to high school, you get to university, you’re still spending some time with your mates. The second you get into the workforce and then if you have kids, it’s like, “See you later”. Friendships fall away, they are de-prioritised. That is so dangerous. It is like the foundations of loneliness and isolation. So, if you want to safeguard yourself against, not only mental health difficulties, but substance misuse, against literal relationship breakdown, friends are going to both be the saviour for your relationship and in the wake of a relationship breakdown because they do just happen, they will be the one to pick you up. Because at the moment, men are putting so much emotional baggage on their partners, because they don’t have anyone else to share it with.

Whereas women largely, and this is a generalisation, beforehand they don’t lose friends over their 20s and 30s and 40s. They maintain them. They might have some fights with people, but it’s going to stay pretty steady. And then those friendships, they’re sharing with them, so they don’t need to throw everything on their partner. And also, if it all goes to shit, they go out and they hang out with each other and they have girls’ nights and they relate with one another, and there is still the same pain. This is the important thing. They don’t feel any less pain. They just deal with it completely differently. And getting back on the horse, these endless ideas for what guys should do to get over a break-up that you witness online, it’s horrible. That is the last thing that is actually going to help you. Shagging your way to the top, it’s like, what is that going to do for your heart? You’re just going to delay pain.

I think that what we need to do is understand nobody here is perfect. No one is doing life well, in the grand scheme of things. There is a lot of distress going around, and women need just as much time and attention and care. And we’re never about let’s take pie from them. It’s about let’s learn, let’s coexist and find ways to actually benefit one another.

As we said at the start, The Real Face Report was like if you want to improve women’s health, in many ways their health is directly tied to men’s health, which is that if we can make guys feel better about themselves, be able to connect with other guys and women and feel like they have a sense of purpose and meaning and drive, especially young guys who are really struggling at the moment, then we’re going to get to a point where women are not holding the emotional baggage for their partners and their sons.

They’re not calling – the amount of calls I get as a therapist from mothers and wives – guys don’t call me. Their mums do, and they’re 40. So, it’s like imagine if we turn that down from a women’s health perspective, that woman doesn’t need to be worrying about her son because he’s going to be looking after himself.

Cleary’s challenge is nothing to scoff at. Most people wouldn’t dream of attempting such an endeavour, so why does he? The answer lies in his turbulent journey to this point, where he’s faced depression, anxiety and the death of his father at just 56 years of age.

In the immediate aftermath of his father’s passing, Cleary was “drowning in uni work and spending all day studying while trying to process these emotions.” He needed an outlet, and despite being more of a rugby and football player in his youth, he found it in running. “I thought, What can I do that’s easy when I need some exercise? A couple of my mates were runners and I decided to just give it a crack. I’ve never really looked back,” he says.

As his running journey was in its burgeoning phase, being an ambassador for Movember allowed Cleary to see the possibility of using running as a means of raising awareness and money for a good cause. “I love the way Movember speaks to its audience, particularly young men. Sport and physical exercise are a huge part of what we advocate for, and [Movember] has this sort of tongue in cheek nature that really with connected me,” he says. “Running helped me after my dad passed, so I wanted to use it to help me speak to others, because I think running can be really powerful.”

In 2023, Cleary’s plans came to fruition when he ran four, 56km ultramarathons in four weeks – with one kilometre in each ultra for every year of his father’s life. But rather than sate his hunger to test his physical capacity, the experience lit a fire under Cleary, inspiring him to continue taking on increasingly difficult challenges.

Now, Cleary’s focus is on his 2024 Movember challenge, the 24-hour ultramarathon, which was again inspired by his father. “I wanted the challenge to still speak to my dad’s memory, and he was a massive Formula One fan, which is why I’ll be doing laps of Albert Park.”

To honour Rob’s memory, every year Cowan and co. set out to run rings around a 2km loop at Caulfield Park. Starting from 4am, every runner covers a different distance. Some will ease into a 10k, while others, like Cowan, will push for up to 60km.

Last year Run For Rob attracted around 80 runners, by Cowan’s estimate. And while the event has grown significantly, it has humble beginnings. “It started during COVID in 2021 where we just couldn’t really connect, I suppose, and I was just running for fun,” says Cowan. “One of the boys suggested doing something with Movember, and we just thought this would be the perfect way to remember Rob because something we all knew him for was going on runs to the gym.”

It didn’t take long for Cowan to understand the impact that the Run For Rob event could have. “We learned really quickly that what we were doing was starting some really positive conversations,” he says. “It gives people something to mobilise around and come together to talk about these things that are usually difficult to share.”

THE YEAR 2015 was not a great time to be Tony Armstrong. After eight years as an AFL journeyman, his career was on life support. His childhood dream hadn’t been the gilded highlights package of premierships and best-on-grounds he’d imagined as a kid growing up in Brocklesby, near Albury. Sure, he’d made the AFL, but as Armstrong points out, no kid who kicks the Sherrin around in his backyard, dreams of eking out a game or two here, getting dropped, warming the bench or basically being an AFL player in name only.

“Oh man, for sure,” says Armstrong, when I ask, rather bluntly, if he feels like the reality of his childhood dream was a pale reflection of what he envisaged in his mind’s eye. “I still think I’ve failed at my childhood dream, but I’m okay with it.”

Sometimes Armstrong’s mates will attempt to lift him up, to offer him some perspective. He won’t hear it. “If I’m sitting around a table with friends and we talk about fame, that kind of thing, they’re like ‘We all would’ve killed to play’. I’m like, ‘Shut up, man, no-one dreams of playing 35 games’. If you say that, you’re lying. You want to win premierships, Brownlow Medals, captain. That’s what I was thinking.”

The vigil to learn if he was playing each weekend, Armstrong says, was like a tide, slowly eroding his mental shoreline. Some weeks he felt like he might slip beneath the surface. “I don’t think there’s any other industry where you so relentlessly get told you are not good enough, either directly or indirectly,” he says, his voice becoming brittle. “Quite literally, every week they select a team who are good enough. I was on the list for eight years, so that’s 200 games including finals. I played 35. That’s a lot of being told you’re not good enough.”

Even if he played well, Armstrong couldn’t enjoy the moment. He was already thinking ahead to the following week, wondering if he’d done enough. Of those 35 games, Armstrong reckons he left the field satisfied in a handful at most. “There was probably five where I was like, Yeah, I know I’ve played well. I know I’ve done enough. This is fine. I’m going to play next week, and I could enjoy it.”

While Mulvaney emphasises that “every psychologist is different” and that there’s “no such thing as a typical session”, every session does have to start somewhere. “People will go to see a psychologist about many things. The aim is always to get back to feeling more like yourself, but it is very normal to feel nervous as you attend your first session,” Mulvaney says.

In most cases, you will begin with a discussion around informed consent – which is where you voluntarily agree to healthcare treatment – followed by an explanation of the structure of therapy.

The process isn’t quite as simple as showing up and sitting down. You will need to fill out a few forms, which your therapist can talk you through.

A significant portion of Australian men are dying young. The Real Face of Men’s Health report reveals that almost two in five men (37%) die prematurely, before reaching the age of 75. This translates to over 37,000 premature male deaths annually, many of which could be prevented.

The report also states that leading causes of death like coronary heart disease, lung cancer, and suicide disproportionately affect men, particularly in rural and socioeconomically disadvantaged areas. Men in rural areas are also 3.5 times more likely to die prematurely compared to those in inner metropolitan areas

Hooper now resides in Melbourne and works as a tunnelling surveyor, but he previously worked in Queensland’s mining industry. It was during his time in the mines that he was confronted with just how lonely some people’s lives can be. “I was really secluded and completely isolated from people and regular life,” he says. “I just never saw anyone.”

Following a New Year’s gathering where he found that many of his colleagues and friends were in the same boat, Hooper decided to take matters into his own hands. “I had the idea of doing a ball. An event that would bring people together to talk about mental health and raise some money for the cause,” he says.

This, Hooper says, is where the assistance of his friend and Mates’ Ball co-founder Oscar Clarke was crucial. “Oscar was really the backbone of it all when organising that. I couldn’t have done it without him.” Hooper and Clarke met at university in Brisbane. Now, according to Hooper, the pair are “like brothers.”

In its first year, the Mates’ Ball was known as the Harry Hooper Ball. It kicked off with the message of “be selfish enough to reach out and be greeted with selflessness”, had 300 guests, and raised more than $17,000 for Movember. “We were just trying to spread the message that it’s important to speak your feelings and speak your mind to people you’re close with,” Hooper says. “That night just felt really powerful.”

In 2024, the Harry Hooper Ball is returning, but it has evolved. The Ball’s name has changed to reflect this. “This year we’ve named it the Mates’ ball, and that’s because I believe it’s bigger than me,” says Hooper. “The message now is that you have to look after your mates.”